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Commander Shepard and the Infinite Sadness

If Mass Effect 3 was a person I, Dr. Bill Gull Ph.D., would diagnose them with severe depression. Jesus Christ, Mass Effect 3, get some help!
I get it – sacrifices must be made, war takes its toll, not everyone can be saved, grimmedy grimmity goo – your shit is sooooo dark and gritty.
I get it: you’re serious, man. Heavy. And, for me,occasionally a bit of a drag.

I suppose this pessimistic worldview is a symptom of games’ maturing. Developers are trying to apply a broader palette of emotion to gaming and, heavy-handed as it sometimes is, at least BioWare tried to foster a certain philosophical maturity in the final installment of the Mass Effect trilogy – something that could certainly be given more thought in game design in general.

I’m not completely sold, mind you. Something about the transition between the narratively-complex but still unabashedly fun Mass Effect 2 and its sad-sack sequel was jarring. Maybe you, the consumer, enjoyed ME3’s dark and brooding ways? Maybe you like its tortured swag? If so, I’ve been granted exclusive access to a number of titles that just might be of interest:

 

Amour: The Game

Michael Haenke’s heart-wrenching tale of an aged couple facing their mortality is now in the palm of your hand with Amour: The Game for 3DS! Feel a blistering pain in your heart as you struggle to care for your sickly, demented wife! Network with friends over wi-fi and see how long they can bare the burden of soul-rending responsibility and stress!
From the producers of Hospice Tycoon.

 

Animal Extermination Mania III

Every year hundreds of thousands of unwanted pets are unable to be re-homed and must be destroyed – but who’s going to kill all those pesky animals? Thanks to Microsoft, the power of the Xbox One, the Kinect and a recent relaxation of labour laws – the slaughterer is YOU. Stare into the eyes of people’s unwanted pets and execute them live over video sync. Earn Microsoft points as you destroy all sorts of unwanted domesticated animals in the most humane way possible. Compete with your friends and climb the leader boards! Only the bravest of Extermination Maniacs will see the secret level: the famed Indonesian Slaughterhouse.

Achievements include:

  • Michael Vick – Exterminate an entire dog-fighting ring.
  • Avian Flu – Moider more Boids than the flu.
  • Payback Downunder – Beat a Kangaroo to death with your bare hands.

Sad Uncle

Sandbox gaming is taken to a whole ‘nother level with Rockstar’s Sad Uncle. You play the titular sad uncle, 43, recently divorced and having suffered a debilitating injury whilst cycling to your job as a toll-booth attendant. The suicide avoidance QTEs are much lauded and the way the controller’s vibrations mimic your character’s sobbing is truly uncanny.

Featuring:

  • “Eating alone at a restaurant” mini game with customisable calorie-counting dieting system
  • Realistic cats
  • Dynamic soundtrack that responds to Sad Uncle’s deepening depression!
    Includes: the entirety of Moby’s Play on repeat, some Foo Fighters album, a couple of low quality Tony Robbins mp3s and Seth MacFarlane singing jazz and big band standards.
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